Can we stop using the delivery analogy for Manifestation?

On healing disorganised attachment and descending into your power

I love that every day I can find another woman with a major podcast and a book deal that is passionate about the same things I am (having a life you don’t want to escape from) that I had no idea existed until that moment.

It truly looks like there is space for all of us, and makes me confident in taking up space for the people who vibe with me specifically.

But if I hear the same old “when you order something online you don’t keep checking so why do you do that with your manifestation?” one more time, I will turned into Jesus in the Temple (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

On July 31st I got an email telling me my Hakuoki Limited Edition boxset was on its way, and it could take 5-7 days for the records to appear in the tracking. 7 working days later (rather than calendar day, because I’m that chill 💁🏼‍♀️), the tracking link said no record existed so I contacted customer service.

I had the wrong link, the item resulted in transit, I didn’t check the link again after they gave it to me, and the item was with me that evening. And I would have been okay if it hadn’t been. I had no stress in the body whatsoever (and I can’t say that would have been the case in the past!)

But the reason I was able to trust was that I *knew* the package existed, and I trusted that customer service would figure it out as long as the package was in the system and not lost completely, and if that was the case then I’d cross that bridge. There was a system, and while I had no direct control, I knew I was in good hands.

Manifestation is not that simple. There’s a lot of unconscious assumptions that go behind “you just trust the package is on the way”.

I was listening to an old Manifestation Babe episode that is not in my listening history on Spotify so I’m not sure which one 😅

But she was talking about the way children develop their ability to explore and take risks because they look back and see their parents there and trust that they are safe because their parents have their back.

Now, it’d be a lie to say my parents never have my back when they financed my way out of a lot of trouble over the years. But this photo is from my father pretending to leave me behind (I think to the side it’s my mother not having any of it).

Or there’s that time when my father offered to help me clean up my ice cream cone and then ate all of it. It’s clear where my infamous sadism comes from…

Now, I believe my parents are fundamentally good people who were doing their best with the consciousness they had. I’m lucky and grateful I wasn’t in consistent physical danger, because I know that’s many other children’s experiences.

The original photo shows me on the verge of tears, but everyone thinks it was just a stupid joke my father played as he walked away for a better angle on his incredibly cute kid he was obsessed with.

But it’s undeniable that, aside from these somewhat funny anecdotes that I could let slide, a lot of behaviours I thought were normal were toxic even before we account for how trauma is not about the fact, but the brain shutting down because it can’t cope with the emotional response. People don’t end up feeling that it’s normal that their spouse broke a broom in anger at not being able to capture a mouse when they come from homes where nobody ever shouted…

I never developed a sense of safety with someone else, and anyone who was with me in a small group at a Catholic retreat can testify. A friend once suggested a good about God the Father that I never actually read, and now I’m not sure which one it was if I wanted to get it. In truth, I am kinda curious to see what wisdom it has, even though I am at a place where I can hold the tension between a neutral All-that-there-is and the hermetic laws.

It feels relevant to the journey towards healing my damsel in distress wound where I desperately want to be chosen and desperately want to have someone show up for me so I can stop being Miss Strong carrying my own load by myself and reinforce the idea I’m the only one who will ever 100% have my back.

Because that’s the thing. You can only sit back and let life take its course and your manifestation come your way when you trust in the system and feel safe.

That’s why embodiment is a big piece of what I’ve talked about over the years. As they say, how you do one thing is how you do all things. And a big chunk of how we do things is hidden in our subconscious, which is the main theme of the 12th house. What Amanda from Barney + Flo(w) beautifully put as “It is our self growth and our undoing”.

As always, I didn’t plan deliberately what I wanted to write about. I uploaded it from the depth of my soul. But the themes are woven beautifully, like a tapestry.

I’m in a 12th House profection year, and I feel like 90% of my time is spent in an energetic purge. Planetary cycles have been closing left and right. I’m heading for my nodal return towards the end of the next sign transit, too.

It feels heavily fated, not so much in the way the Romans believed fate was like, although I do feel that, as Virgil put it, fortune favours the bold. Audentes, in Latin. Here’s audacious coming back again. Someone who dares.

It feels fated like an athlete at the starting line of a race, the adrenaline buzz of something that you prepared for and looked forward to and feels like a definining moment in your life so you’re playing to win, cue Chariot of Fires as soundtrack.

Today I dropped the last solo episode of the podcast, where I talked about the 12th House. A space I’ve become intimately acquainted with in more ways than one.